I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
