if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
