i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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