Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
