Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
