she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
as a side note pls kill me
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
