he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
