Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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