I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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