Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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