I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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