I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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