I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
