Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
