You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
