My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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