Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
