i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
