omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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