Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
