well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
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What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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