My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I understand Curling. That high.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
