I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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