I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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