I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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