happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
