i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
