in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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