There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.