it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.