He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
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Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito