Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
