I have demons in me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
