so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
