Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
