I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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