Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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