But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
