I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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