Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
