I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just high enough for therapy.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
