He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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