I think my fart just growled at me.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
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Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
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Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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