Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
