I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
