Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Slut skills are useful in every country.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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