I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
