Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.