Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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