I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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