Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
