Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
