I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
