I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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