I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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