I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
