I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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