I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
