dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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