ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
